How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’m giving up ice.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage