Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”