I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.