Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I can also cook 😂
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
This a good idea
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son