“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
True.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
when you order from DoorDastardly
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*