“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.