“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.