Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.