Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.