Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.