CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once