That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Midwest trash talk
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”