“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You Might Also Like
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure