[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*