me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.