I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
You Might Also Like
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either