Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
the simulation is moving too fast
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad