If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.