My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.