If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
nice challenge
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
This did not end as expected.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
No regrets in 2018
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*