I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*