so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?