rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.