Yes, this is exactly right
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”