My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.