Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
So we got a goldfish…
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.