Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝