5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.