My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Have a lovely day 😊
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.