Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
You Might Also Like
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
he was correct
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this