Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
You Might Also Like
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing