mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder