dutch is not a serious language
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged