i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
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Feels like there should be a middle ground
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.