Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My dating profile:
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit