Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Dietest Coke
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.