*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
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When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?