*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
these two trucks have the same bed length
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer