To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.