Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would