Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what