In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]