[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.