My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.