Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
You Might Also Like
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.