Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.