Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
this is uni
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.