[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You Might Also Like
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
This will never not be funny to me.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner