Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.