Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Hotels are back
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord